Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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