What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
