just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
God, I missed his penis.
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