The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
