Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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