took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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