I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
