Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
