Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
