You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
