Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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