Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
