A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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