Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
