He asked me if I "almost moaned"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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