My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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