Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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