pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
