I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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