I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
