when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
