Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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