I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
