I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
