The maid of honor just puked.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
