What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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