Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
