dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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