I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
