Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
