I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
