Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
