Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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