So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
