Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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