my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
FUCK WHALES
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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