at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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