YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
