so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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