Betty ford says i'm here all night
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
