I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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