Nicole vs. Life
i think i have two assholes
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
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