Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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