sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
