I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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