If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Boobs are out for the taking
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
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