Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
