If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
