My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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