what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
