how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
