i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you didnt know i had herpes?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
The Olympian is in my bed
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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